Hello my dear son,
So many painful reflections on your childhood...
If you were standing here in front of me now, I would take you in my arms and tell you how much I loved you, and how much compassion I have for you, for the little boy who was so misunderstood. And who must have felt so alone.
I wanted so badly to have a baby and when your father consented but was worried his needs would not be first, I made a deal that I would not let him be replaced by you.
As I look back, I can see how terrified I was that I would be abandoned but in the act of trying to save myself, I abandoned you.
From the day I learned I was pregnant I was so very careful not to rejoice too much, not to ask for anything from him, and to pretend that the pregnant me wasn’t different than the non-pregnant me.
When you were born, I continued to temper my love for you and you never experienced the joy of knowing how special you were.
And I let your father undermine my role as your mother so that he would not feel threatened. It wasn’t hard for this very young and damaged young mom to not be attuned to you.
Whatever weak attachment instincts I had were pushed down.
And so you learned that you would never be put first, that your needs couldn’t be too great, that you could not rely on me to parent you in the way you needed and had a right to.
And in the end, I was abandoned, and while you were loved by your father, he was a lazy uninvolved father.
It wasn’t long before your attachment losses began to show up, first as a preschooler and later in elementary school where you soon were diagnosed as ADHD and Gifted.
You became the identified problem. I sometimes wonder where we would be today if instead of finding the ADHD Behaviouralist Psychologist, I had been able to rest enough to see and understand what you really needed.
And if instead of getting frustrated and angry, focusing on yet another negative behaviour or simply being critical of you, I had instead taken you in my arms, held you, comforted you and had simply said ‘this must be so frustrating for you’ or ‘I can see how sad you are’.
And most importantly, 'you are so loved'. When I look back now, it all seems so clear.
I needed to be strong, to be the fierce and protective parent, one that would stand up for you when you needed me to - and I didn't.
I also needed to stand up to you and say no when you needed a no.
So many times I let you down, either collapsing under the weight of your emotion, or fearing your wrath when I said no. You learned that your emotions were too much for me to handle.
I am so very sorry for this.
And so it continued. Challenges with friends and school, our home more often dominated by frustration and resistance than by love, warmth and play.
I took you to therapist after therapist, always expressing my frustration with your behaviour, and for this I am truly sorry.
When I went to university it was the perfect opportunity for me to be engaged in something that I felt successful with. To say I was pre-occupied is an understatement.
And always pre-occupied with men, usually unavailable men. It’s not surprising that you were so angry when I met my husband.
You had never got what you needed from me, and now you would get even less.
As a step-family, it seems that we did so many things wrong, once again focusing on behaviour and missing the cues that all was not well.
That you have a caring relationships with your two step-sisters and a respectful relationship with my husband is a testament to your character.
And so, here we are today.
I see a man with deep intelligence and psychological strength, one who is kind and non-judgmental, and who desires and deserves a healthy relationship and family. And yet your wounds are big.
It must be terrifying to open that door.
Know that I love you more than any person in my life, and while I may not have been the parent you needed when a child, today I will do everything in my power to be the parent that you deserve.
I love you.
mom